In her book, “Girl, Stop Apologizing”, Rachel Hollis writes; “... I was raised thinking my real value was based on the role I would play for other people. After all, being deemed a good wife or a good mother or daughter is rarely based on how true you are to yourself”
I want to talk about this for a moment because when I read this, it not only resonated with me but it made me think of an incident shortly after my birth. But first a-little context, I was raised in a single family household in Egypt, Cairo. This is not traditional by any means but my father struggled with addiction throughout my childhood so he was not around. It’s fair to say that besides this non-traditional aspect, my whole life has been pretty traditional and being conservative was something taught to me A-lot.
With that in mind, back to the incident. Around 5 weeks postpartum, baby blues were getting a little better. I was not having crying spells anymore but I was certainly still experiencing depression. My husband returned to work his full time job again although he worked from home due to COVID. In my conversation with a family member who I love and adore to pieces by the way, she told me: “ make sure you don’t just pay attention to the baby, you have to care for your husband's needs as well”. This is much simpler in English however, in Arabic it was basically saying “better have sex as soon as you can because you don’t want his mind to wander”. She went on to tell me that i needed to do my hair and put on nice clothes. If you have ever had a newborn in your household, those first few weeks are a blur and you are lucky if you can get into a shower.
Again I love this family member to pieces but even at five weeks postpartum, clearly showing signs of depression and going through other emotional issues, I was being told, make sure your husband is happy in order to continue to have the title of good wife. My healing, my recovery, my feelings were completely stripped from the equation. Other people’s happiness is what defines a lot of women’s roles and that is just not fair.
I believe this is how many women lose themselves entirely during motherhood. I also believe these expectations prolong postpartum recovery, I know it did for me and to be honest it still does. On a daily basis with every decision made, I question whether I am a good wife because I vowed to take care of my health and actually be dedicated this time. Whether I am a good daughter because I am not spending as much time with my mother who I adore and love so much and have never spent more that a couple of days away from her. Whether I am a good mom because I have to go back to work and won’t see my precious bean for 8 hours.
But reminding myself that fearing what the perception of how others view me is not accurate. I know the time I spend to make sure my family is cared for, to make sure I am cared for and I know what I sacrifice to make sure that happens. So what someone perceives me to be should not be the standard I set for myself. My standard is what I set for myself, what I am capable of and able to achieve. What works for me might not work for every woman which is perfectly fine.
And finally and perhaps more importantly, in order to achieve all of this, my happiness has to come first. My well being has to come first. Moms, WE have to come first before we care for our children, our husbands, our families and everything else. Find out what brings you that happiness and do it. Just because you are a mom now does not mean that you cannot continue to accomplish things before you became a mom. If you like to drink tea and journal like I do, then do it. Ask your partners, family and friends to watch your little nugget(s) so you can do what you need to to maintain that happiness, to maintain you before attending to all your other roles.
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