Returning to work was certainly bitter sweet. Being at home since 22 weeks pregnant since March due to COVID was challenging. Like many it started out with my previous job giving us the option to work from home if we felt unsafe due to the pandemic and although I did not want to work from home, I would likely be the only one in the office.
At first, it was kind of fun. Got to be home with my dogs, laughed at memes (which I feel got me through dark times), did all the walking and exercising I wanted, painted the nursery because home depot and Lowes were essential and open, started a quarantine ‘Diamond Dotz’, did a lot of gardening until my belly got too big and I could no longer bend and got to sleep which at 22 weeks I was napping almost every two hours.
Frustrations started when my gender reveal was canceled, not by me but by my family and friends who felt like it was too dangerous for me and looking back I understand. At that moment though, I threw a fit. My best friend and her boyfriend helped me, my husband and mother with putting together a mini gender reveal to at least have some photos and for me to find out the gender of my child.
During this time, I was also offered a new employment opportunity that I had been setting out for a long time. This was obviously exciting not just for reaching this goal, but it meant I had to get out of the house! Finally, I had a reason to get up in the morning and get ready, not just for ultrasounds or other medical appointments. But it was stressful, and anxiety set in because I thought that given the pandemic status, my new employment offer would be taken back and somehow, I would be jobless because I would have already resigned from my previous job. However, I started my new job and it was secured. Another reason for my anxiety was that I was interviewed for this new position before I knew that I was pregnant, I was now 6 months pregnant and showing and wondered what my supervisors would think. But again, it all worked out and they even threw me a distanced baby shower that was absolutely wonderful.
Side Note:
Highly recommended shows during Quarantine-
Mandalorian
Money Heist
Workin’ moms
Little Fires Everywhere
So, after quarantine since March and a newborn since July, in October, I was excited to go back to work but I also felt like my baby was way too tiny to not be with him at all times. Motherhood is truly a constant internal battle and the guilt creeps up in so many ways, whether you are a stay at home mom or a working mom. I was stuck in this internal battle of wanting to be around other adults and resume my life before motherhood, but I was also linked to my child and wanted to know how he was doing every moment of everyday.
Naturally for me, I fell into a very concentrated task oriented daily routine which sounds amazing right!? It felt amazing for most of the day but by the end of the day I was beat. Like in this photo my husband took of me after a night workout, I fell asleep in my workout clothes, sweat and all. Motherhood – it is beautiful. But no one said it smells great!
Everyday had to include a workout, 5 pumping sessions and a home made dinner. These don’t seem too much of a struggle but add in an 8-hour workday, playtime with baby and all other normal daily stressors like oh working at a hospital during a pandemic.
I am getting better with managing my time while attempting at being kind to myself for not accomplishing everything everyday. It's okay is dinner is bought, we have so many healthy options and I/ We deserve a break. And it is certainly okay if one workout is missed, all my work will not just disappear because of one day. This new thought process is different for me. I would love to hear from you, has you thought process changed since motherhood and how so?
Point is, balance is talked about so much, but it is so much harder said than done.
As always mamas, you got this! And remember to always, reach out, I may be a confused mama but I am learning everyday and we can learn together!
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